This last month, I was thrown my biggest and most trying loop. True love for another aside my brother. Ironically enough it was with my half brother. Solo was my brothers lover first and became mine second. I never knew he had promised never to touch me and perhaps had I known it may have affected my Judgment. But for our brief stint I welcomed my punishment. I fell in love with him and held him close and dear like my brother. He took care of me, he risked everything for me, he defended me and eventually he told me he loved me. I had him rip himself open in my arms, Held me close when I cried and made me feel wanted in only the way Zephyr has and does. I got selfish and now I cost solo everything. If I am with him my lover will leave me and the only other Solo was with aside his Seeu was my Zephyr. So now because of my drunken actions he is alone and I can’t comfort him. I can’t hold him, kiss him, be with him because then I loose everything else I hold dear and yet it is killing me inside knowing that. Part of me will always feel empty. I love Zephyr so much; I would do anything for him. Which is why last night I shut myself down and off, I begged Solo just to talk to me and when he walked away I did not cry, I just died, I feel over unto the ground and didn’t move. Setherai took me to my bed and laid me there. Natalya looked after me the night.
She made comment to me when I finally moved that she kept checking to see if I had died, I didn’t move, speak or blink. It scared her. I patted her head and came front long enough to type this out. I e-mailed it with instruction for Amanda to post to my journal. I don’t think I wish to leave my room. Not till the pain subsides some, not till he agrees to at least talk to me. I will come front for Zephyr if he asks for me…though normally I ask for him as he never fronts. Till I feel again and can truly express myself.
I love you Zephyr.
And I love you solo and am sorry for my trespasses. I hope you find someone, hopefully one who is not taken….