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☣ A Beautiful Encounter ☣

[ website | Apnea... So Sexy ]
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The road not taken.... [08 Nov 2007|12:51am]
[ mood | crushed ]

All my life the only emotion I have known was my brother. He was and still is my world. We have been through many horrific things in life and yet we always were there for each other. Only truly separated by force and even then it was only a matter of time before one or the other came for them. He is my brother, my lover and my twin. I have never known another the way I have given myself to him. In fact if it was not an issue of force or survival he would have been the only person I had been with sexually. This lifetime however, has thrown me and I am sure him a loop. We were placed in a position, in a place in which we can finally feel. We can accept and gain emotions aside from survival and each other. I have learned much in my time here and felt so much. I have been touched by the drug of lust, stared down and devoured by the green eyed devil and lived through regret, guilt and pleasure.

This last month, I was thrown my biggest and most trying loop. True love for another aside my brother. Ironically enough it was with my half brother. Solo was my brothers lover first and became mine second. I never knew he had promised never to touch me and perhaps had I known it may have affected my Judgment. But for our brief stint I welcomed my punishment. I fell in love with him and held him close and dear like my brother. He took care of me, he risked everything for me, he defended me and eventually he told me he loved me. I had him rip himself open in my arms, Held me close when I cried and made me feel wanted in only the way Zephyr has and does. I got selfish and now I cost solo everything. If I am with him my lover will leave me and the only other Solo was with aside his Seeu was my Zephyr. So now because of my drunken actions he is alone and I can’t comfort him. I can’t hold him, kiss him, be with him because then I loose everything else I hold dear and yet it is killing me inside knowing that. Part of me will always feel empty. I love Zephyr so much; I would do anything for him. Which is why last night I shut myself down and off, I begged Solo just to talk to me and when he walked away I did not cry, I just died, I feel over unto the ground and didn’t move. Setherai took me to my bed and laid me there. Natalya looked after me the night.

She made comment to me when I finally moved that she kept checking to see if I had died, I didn’t move, speak or blink. It scared her. I patted her head and came front long enough to type this out. I e-mailed it with instruction for Amanda to post to my journal. I don’t think I wish to leave my room. Not till the pain subsides some, not till he agrees to at least talk to me. I will come front for Zephyr if he asks for me…though normally I ask for him as he never fronts. Till I feel again and can truly express myself.

I love you Zephyr.

And I love you solo and am sorry for my trespasses. I hope you find someone, hopefully one who is not taken….

þê† Mê

[06 Nov 2007|10:54pm]
I am so broken right now I cant see the keyboard or stop shaking.
1 þµr£ê¢† þµrr | þê† Mê

[23 Oct 2007|04:18pm]
I get to have a visitor for a few days! yay!
1 þµr£ê¢† þµrr | þê† Mê

Preparations and such [18 Oct 2007|12:25pm]
I have started to prepare myself for something special, something I want. I feel right, this feels right, despite all the sadness and death around me. Despite my own sadness, I feel strong now and at peace. I've had a good run recently, but I have realized, despite the small feeling and the sex. The only person I have found I truly love is my Zephyr. I love Horyu, yes but not like Zephyr and I don't think I ever will find someone else I love as much as he.

But I'm alone again. *half smiles* Horyu wont let me near him since he found out what I was doing...I knew it would happen though. I'm at peace with it. Well I have much more to do.
þê† Mê

[01 Oct 2007|11:44pm]
I miss Zephyr... I didn't think I was that possesive, then again... I am pretty possesive over Zephyr as well. I guess I figure, if your going to cuddle me, expect me to fuck you on a regular basis, you could at least be nice enough to tell me when your leaving, expecially when your randomly leaving to meet someone you just met. Then to find out the last thing she asked you was not to die on her and people expect me not to worry even in the slightest? Oh yeah, I'm sorry I don't have any dragon in me, that after the insanely rough and painful (yet goood and pleasurable) sex that I need a few days to recover but at least I push myself and keep up during correct? I mean seriously I know your aggrivated, I know you want to fuck every five minutes (expecially as of recently and I'm still waiting on my answer as to why) but I can't physically handle that much. I come out of sex with you looking like I was back in prison... but that someone finally got me. I wouldn't dare let Zephyr see me the day after sex with you, yet I continue to try to keep you happy. I just ask for some common curtousy.

I need to tend to Amanda... I think she's catching on that Nikkolai isn't actually anywhere nearby. He really needs to get his shit straight and come home.
4 þµr£ê¢† þµrrs | þê† Mê

I feel so torn [15 Sep 2007|09:30am]
I did something last night that I do not regret, yet I feel horrible for. I need Zephyr, I need to know where we stand after our fight. I love Zephyr, he is my world and after our fight my world stopped. He has always been my warm, my safe place, my best friend, my brother and my lover. Coming into this lifetime, this body, emotions awakened inside me. I have never had to feel like this and yet I stand here torn. I Love Zephyr. I want to be with Zephyr and give him children. But at the same time, I feel utterly alone and while many here have expressed their interest in me, I only had interest in one. But I felt as though I would be disgracing myself and Zephyr if I acted on it.

I discussed this with this person and he argued with me about everything. He ended up hardly speaking to me again. I made friends with Freshya and Caspian and they made me smile again, but I always wondered. Then Zephyr and I got into our fight. I hurt Zephyr, I made him feel as though I did not love him anymore. I could never stop loving him. Ever. Then last night happened, I know I upset him last night when I started to cry. But all I thought about was Zephyr and how he will hate me now more so than he probaly does and I cried.

I went to him last night, my secret, I dressed up nice and went to him. To my suprise he invited me into his chambers and actually talked to me. Apologized for being a "asshole" and ignoring me because of our fight, which he admitted was petty. We laughed, we talked, we drank really really strong drinks. I do not know where they were from but he said, that because of what he is they have to be strong. Two and I was done, He laughed as I kept falling about. I would yell at him and he would laugh more. We danced, first we danced together. Then I danced for him.... The rest just followed suit. Then in the middle of being intimate with him I started crying. I just couldn't stop. He stopped however, and just held me. It was warm, it made me cry harder.

I am so sorry to both of you, Horyu... Zephyr, I just don't know anymore. I care deeply for both of you. I just want to cry. I want you to tell me everything will be ok. I want you to tell me what to do...

Zephyr, I love you and miss you and am sorry.
Horyu, I am so sorry.
þê† Mê

[30 Aug 2007|09:43am]
[ mood | crushed ]

I know sorry doesn't cut it.
Sorry will never cut It.

But I am so sorry,
I love you. Miss you.

You were enough for me...
I am just selfish.

It is I who isn't deservant of you,
I am sorry,

I wont darken your doorstep again.
I am so sorry,
I love you..

þê† Mê

Taking Applications [30 Apr 2007|12:14am]
I want a baby.
2 þµr£ê¢† þµrrs | þê† Mê

[27 Dec 2006|07:37am]

I'll kill you ^-^
þê† Mê

So! [02 Nov 2006|08:03pm]
So I haven't actually updated in a while, What is there to update about?
I don't get front much nor do I get out much, so I guess I could just report on things that go on in the headspace. Amanda threw us our own "halloween" here in the headspace, we even got to dress up! I was a sheep! Along with Morgan and Horyu was the big bad wolf and Nikkolai was little bo peep. We even got to trick or treat through the headspace and she set up a haunted house and invited things from the woods to help out.

For the most part it has been really quiet here and even more so lonly.
This body isn't allowed to talk to Alsarai's, so I can't go see Solo and I never see Zephyr anymore. The only contact with family I had been having was solo, so it's kind of sad.
I miss zephyr, alot.

Amanda doesn't come out of her room much, she has even stopped sleeping in the guest room. Which really makes me sad because I looked forward to the warmth, the feel of having someone beside me. It was so much fun having so many in the bed. Four girls and one Nikkolai.

Not so happy anymore, everything here is sadness, even the halls and that have changed to darkness and hallow. Pandora is hell bent on just dissapearing. Setavortae has finally calmed down enough not to be so angry and stopped screaming. I did make friends with Freshya, when I'm sad, she lets me crawl into bed with her.

I guess that's all for now. I need to find happier things.
þê† Mê

I know I am stronger than this... [22 Sep 2006|06:40pm]
[ mood | determined ]

I know I am stronger than this, I know it. I have been through so much in my lifetime I should be able to handle this easily.
I think its because I'm not used to having these emotions. But I can't handle his, The jester and the hatter.
Moreso, the Jester...
I can handle the abuse the Hatter dishes out, I've been there before... the threats of rape, the beating, wing pulling, feather plucking, being beaten with various objects and had various forms of torture. But I can't handle the emotional abuse of the Jester.
The constant text messages,emails and calls about the play by play abuse of my brother.
Half or not he is my brother and I love him.
*cries* I can't do anything to help him.
And its my fault he's being hurt.
Everytime I stand my ground and defend him, she hurts him.
First she beat him, then she ripped out his tounge, now she has him pinned to the wall with Seth to be used as a dart board.
Why is he suffering because of me.
How can I do this to someone I love.

Today looked so hopefull, the Hatter got yelled at for beating me sensless last night. I got to see Zephyr and be close to him.
He even said I would be the one to carry his child. *sad smiles* It made me so happy. And now, I'm causing Solo more pain.
I would give up anything to be in his place, to know he was safe. Mayhaps, I should strike a deal with Jester, as she seems the gambling kind.
I need to think, I need to stop feeling, I need this to end and end now.
I need to protect my family.

þê† Mê

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